Plan B ? No ! plan "S" .... for shitty plan

It's snowing in London for days now and it's so bloody cold that I have to squeeze my whole body inside the microwave to defrost it . It's not easy to put the entire body inside, my ass is the size of the planet pluto and if I cut the nails of my toes, I might manage to shut the door of the microwave too !
I wish I was on menopause already cause this snow is pissing me off now.

Every night I dream I'm in Ikea buying furniture for a flipping igloo and I regret the day I had the laser hair removal treatment on my body so I could have smooth and velvet legs. The extra fur would have saved me against these temperatures ! I'm latino and on top of that, I'm mediterranean which is a nice way to say a gorilla. I trim my sideburns on a monthly basis as I hate coming out of the supermarket and find a big crowd of young horny girls screaming, Oh my gosh it's Elvis Presley !


before the laser hair removal

                   

                                                     after the laser hair removal

I see a bunch of polar bears leaving Thomas Cook cause they cannot take this cold anymore as well and they are all  booking a trip to Colombia to get a sun tan and I don't mean the newspaper !
Well they are not the only ones going to South America, I'm going there too.

I wake up on the 5th of November and come to the conclusion that I need to do something exciting in my life, spread my wings and fly somewhere warm and do something  meaningful and rewarding beside collecting my boots points , watching Dallas and watching my French neighbours starring in their own show " the tits and knob show".

Despite putting a card through their letterbox, saying thanks for the entertainment but I have sky ! they still flash their private parts as I relax like a python on the couch and gulping down my coffee while I pray that when Mr rent a Knob is standing in front of their sash window, the frame is going to shut by sliding down and chopping his manhood once for all! Now some of you reading this, will think envy is a bad thing but I'm happy and comfortable with my sexuality and I wouldn't trade my "Squirrel" for anybody's "nuts". It's tough already to hear people stopping you down the road and calling you Brian or John after leaving the hair saloon cause I look like a transvestite and the receptionist saying: Sir are you paying by debit card or cash ?
I would love to put a finger inside her mouth and turn her inside out but she has enough tartar to plaster my living room, kitchen and bathroom too so I try be sen... sible sensodyne about it.

I decide to rent my house, I give my notice at work and spend one year teaching English and Yoga to underprivileged kids in South America and call my parents to break the news ! As usual when I call them , my mother puts me on hold two second later saying: Lela, I need to go to shit and I'm not sure if she can sense my plan "S" for shitty plan or she just gets excited when she hears my voice.