tenant wanted !

I'm still looking for a decent housemate so I put another advert and start interviewing few people. The first to come is a german girl who's trying to escape from her boyfriend and tells me that she's very passionate about the environment so she does her bit by taking a shower once a week and I wonder if it is not the other way round and her boyfriend is trying to escape from her cause she smells like a trout.

I personally couldn't stay in the same room with this girl for more than half an hour. What's wrong with people ? why are they allergic to the water and think that their sweat is the fragrance of the future. The next day an irish guy called Patrick comes to view the house, I bet if they check his blood , they will find 80% guinness, 15% bailey and 5% blood .His breath is pure alcohol. He tells me he loves to get pissed every week-end and he works in a pub during the week so I imagine my first BBQ with Patrick looking like a flipping AA meeting. Hi everybody this is Patrick and Patrick saying Hi my name is Patrick and I …. have a drinking problem .

The next day an Australian girl comes , she keeps looking at me from head to toe , I show her the house and when she sees the room and the bed , she asks me if the bed is strong. I'm a bit puzzled , she is a big girl but I'm sure the bed will handle her weight . I can't say that because it's not polite so I  joke and ask her if she is Snow White and the 7 dwarfs will be sharing the bed with her. She says she is a lady in the street but a freak in the bedroom, I look up at the ceiling and tell her that the room has spotlights so she cannot swing from the chandelier and the built in wardrobe means she cannot jump from it to the bed. 

I look for Lisa and would pay a fortune for her to be a kangaroo rather than a dog so I could put this girl inside her pouch and take her back to Sidney. It's Thursday and another lady sends me a text the same evening but with all the weirdos I met in the last couple of days I need a couple of days to recover so I ask her to come down on sunday after lunch time. She comes straight from church and she looks like a decent lady, Maria has a speech condition and having a sister who's a speech therapist I have lots of sympathy for people who stammer. I decide to give her the room and we start sharing the house together. Maria is a nice girl , she goes to read the Bible on Tuesdays and Thursdays probably because it takes her 2 days to read a paragraph and church on sundays so I don't see her very much in the house but every time I come home I notice a new statue of the holy Mary in the house and another crucifix on the walls. I'm worried to hurt her feelings but after 4 weeks I cannot take it anymore so I lie, give her one month notice  and tell her that I got a job in Peru' rehabilitating llamas. She's thrilled for me even though , I will be still working in the Estate agency in Kensington and I'm not going anywhere but she doesn't know that and  I thank Mr Patel for spitting like a llama as he was the inspiration behind my white lie. Lisa is now a wild dog because  when Maria used to tell her to sit, it took her 45 minutes to spit it out and Lisa is now pretending not to remember the commands anymore but with the help of a couple of chicken breasts and rabbit wings I'm sure I can win Lisa over.