Jack the Ripper

A friend from Los Angeles is coming  to visit me and I can't wait. We met in Santa Monica last year and we became very good friends. Jessica lives in a beautiful house in Beverly Hills and like most of the women in LA , she has a Chihuahua so small that you could easily put in your wallet where you usually keep the change. 

She is a californian girl and the weather in London is cold in comparison to sunny and warm LA. Even the naked statue of Venus in my garden felt cold last night and she is not standing tall with her perky breasts anymore, she's now kneeling down , legs against her chest trying to keep warm and I think bitch, what a waste of money. I should have asked Jodie Marsh to stand half naked in my garden instead,

I'm sure a belt across her nipples and a mini skirt would have been enough to keep her warm.

Needless to say my boiler will be at full blast until the wall paper will peel because of the heat and I will be able to make Jessica an english breakfast  without using my gas hob by frying the bacon on the floorboards. My place is a shoe box in comparison to her house , the coffee machine I purchased at the Italian Exhibition in London turns out to be a real fiasco,  it was cheap and now I know why it makes crappuccinos, the coffee is  crap and boy every time I have a shot I become blue like one of the smurfs.

I bought a set of spoons from Ikea and if you attempt to eat some ice cream they bend , no I'm not dating Uri Gellar the spoon bending paranormalist, the spoons are made of cheap steal and sometimes I use them as bangles too.

Jessica has 3 kids and looks fantastic but then everyone looks gorgeous in LA. Even her dog had a face lift, liposuction and the Jlo bum that I envy so much. She's a music producer and very successful. She often attends awards events and premieres so when she mentions that she's been nominated for an award, i suggest her to check whether Kanya West is attending or not just in case he goes on stage again while she's accepting her award.  The kids don't live with her anymore a part from the youngest one.The youngest of the kids is in his early twenties and is called Jack. He reminds me Jack the ripper and makes the hair on my back and armpits stand . I spent one night at their place and couldn't sleep all night. I could hear the noise of a chainsaw from the basement and I was wondering if he was cutting the femurs of his victims and putting them in a bookshelf as if these were books or just  putting the limbs aside as  pick-up sticks for a Mikado game. When I got a text from vodafone  at 3 am reminding me about the cost of making calls abroad and said in a cheerful tone you got mail with the chainsaw background , well my heart missed a beat and I got so scared that I didn't just get mail but feces in my panties too .

The next day I thanked Jessica for her hospitality and as soon as I got in the car, I put New York on my car navigator so a long way from LA and Jack the ripper.