room to let

I'm looking for a housemate myself so I decide to put and advert and post it on the net. How tough will it be to find a decent person after all ? Dating is definitely far more scary I reassure myself and put the advert on the net bold and  with a picture of my living room that reads :

Room to let in Kensington, close to parks, lovely beautiful Victorian house - owner has Great Dane and likes humans , the younger the better. Please call Lela on 07789243535.

No one replies to the advert and then I think that people must have misunderstood what I meant about Lisa, my Great Dane! She likes humans but not in a cannibal way and yes she could fancy their femurs but she's a Nestle' Purina dog.

The first to come and view the room is James -  He's from Ohio, he's tall, he has biceps bigger than my tits and a smile so white that I need to wear sunglasses every time he smiles at me. He's shit hot and tells me that he is a lady's man and asks me if this would be a problem with me.  I try to behave as cool as a cucumber. I have been single for the last 3 years and I can't even remember how a penis looks like. James on the other end saw more female genitals than a  damn gynaecologist and on top of that , he works as a magician. I'm not surprised about his profession, I bet he makes disappear the knickers of the ladies he takes out in seconds  and if these ladies wear a wonder bra, when he takes their bras off he probably wonders where those tits are gone too.

I thank him for his time and wait for Helen who's my next potential housemate to arrive. 

Two hours later, the bell rings. I open the door and a blonde lady is at the door. Helen comes in - I make her some Italian coffee and give her a portion of my home made tiramisu' too, she bends to scoop the tiramisu' and wonder if I did sprinkle some white chocolate flakes on the tiramisu but  the truth is that tiramisu' doesn't have white chocolate , it's actually her dandruff . Her head looks like a nest , her front teeth are moss covered and the nails are so filthy and black that look like mussels . Hygiene is paramount for me , I imagine her making a snow man with the dust under her bed and finding mushrooms growing on the corner of her side table so I'm tempted to show her door. I'm hoping Lisa would become aggressive or pee in the living room to put her off even if she hasn't done it before but I think Helen smells so badly that  Lisa has left the building. I first try to blame the disappearance of Lisa on James the magician but then Helen lifts her armpit to admire my original sash windows and its general anaesthetic for me -  I could finally be a patient on ER if George Clooney is doing the shift and wouldn't mind getting the kiss of life and maybe get frisky in the operation table too.

I tell her that I will call her but I rather have polio or TB than sharing  my home with this woman , she leaves and I start looking for Lisa. She's wearing my french knickers as oxygen mask in my bedroom and her pupils are the size of 50p. I give her a big hug and tell her out loud that we will continue our search.

Two days later, Frank leaves a message on my answering machine. He saw my advert and wants to see the place. He comes after work and he has a big gym bag on his shoulders, he's one of those people who pays the gym membership but goes to work out once in a blue moon and does free marketing for the gym. In other words, he takes the bag with their logo on it for a walk. There are two steps from the kitchen to the lounge, he does walk those two steps but he's not very fit, he has palpitations already and his heart rate is faster than my broadband. The radio is on, I'm listening to kiss 100. I show him around the house but when he hears Justin Timberlake on the radio, he moves as if he is having an epilepsy attack or stroke and when I'm ready to call the paramedics , he confirms my fears -  he loves shaking his booty when JT is on the radio and I hear myself screaming like my GP does while I'm in the waiting room: next please !