the squirrel syndrome

It's Sunday night, my friend Bruno called me for some moral support . He broke up with Liz once again and he's feeling low but it's not news as they break up more frequently than I get my periods. Liz wants to settle down but Bruno likes his ladies. I have more chances to see the Pope becoming a stripper than seeing Bruno being faithful to her but they say love is blind. I'm so glad I had the laser treatment and I now have the sight of an eagle so I can fly away from blokes like Bruno who can get you pregnant by just looking at you.

He has the squirrel syndrome, I call the female genital "squirrel" , it's furry and like real squirrels they can be brown, red and grey if you reach my age. Once you are over 60, you get the letter BC that stands for Before Christ so to the blokes out there be aware that it doesn't stand for  vitamins B, C or the alphabet !

Bruno has confided that he calls Liz's squirrel Barnet because they met in bar while surfing the net .It's funny that people find talking about religion some sort of taboo while they don't find it difficult discussing their kamasutra positions even when they are making tea in the kitchen at work. You hear ladies making the round of tea saying things like when my man and I get wild in bed, he put his arm and left leg inside me, while the other whispers I gotta tell my boyfriend to come out as he completely disappears inside and I wonder if down there they have a garage instead of a vagina and are able to park the car, motorbike, caravan and the bicycles of the kids too ! 

I'm not a religious person and although I come from a Catholic family and mother goes to church every week, I wonder if it is faith or the priest is gorgeous and looking like Richard Chamberlein from the Thorn Birds that makes her kneel for hours until her kneecaps are the size of 2 pepperoni pizza.

I think of Moses dividing the waters and wonder where he took those water ski classes, he could have won a gold medal at the olympic games that bugger and Adam and Eva eating the apple like Snow White and wonder why this production of apples was not reported to the trading standards association. 

I talk about everything except what I do in the bedroom as I consider those moments very personal and private. I don't deny wearing beautiful lingerie even if I sleep on my own as I want to look shit hot in my dreams just in case I meet Brad Pitt or have an accident  after chocking with a pitta bread and needs to go to A&E .
I would hate finding myself wearing a bra that doesn't match my knickers. I'm Italian after all and we take pride in the way we look .Some people might wonder if I get dress in the dark others if they don't see me for 24 hours will assume I got arrested for wearing what I wear and wonder who bailed me out.

Speaking of fashion police, I wonder if they were on strike when a colleague of mine used to wear crop tops in the office while she had a belly so big that we all though that she was 7 months pregnant. It turned out that her huge belly was courtesy of jaffa cakes and crisps !

My friend Dona on the other end is still a virgin at the tender age of 35 . She spent way too much time reading Cinderella. Yes, we all know that Cinderella spent all day cleaning and her best friends were Viakal and Mr Muscle , she went out once in her life and bang she met a gorgeous Prince who had a white horse too but let's be honest if Dona thinks that she will end up like Cinderella is very likely that she will spend the next 35 years removing the spiderwebs between her legs. She always has work done in her flat so every time you pop in for a tea, you always find a plumber, a decorator or someone plastering a wall . I was hoping the plumber would show her his copper "pipe"  and give her a good dose of vitamin "D" as for dick but I came to the conclusion that the plastering services didn't stop on the walls and I keep checking her butt to see any traces of fresh plaster. Hmmmm I think I will get her a black & decker drill this Christmas.