Yoga Humming

One week later my friend Bruno rings me saying that an old friend called Rose is looking for a room and she is trustworthy and reliable. If you cannot trust friends, who are you supposed to trust ?  so I ask Bruno what she does for living and how old she is. He tells me she's a professional dancer and she is in her late twenties. I thank him for thinking of me and tell him to pass my number to Rose. 

A  Dutch tenant comes to the office looking for 3 bedroom house with garden and parking space in Notting Hill for around £ 1000 pounds per month and considering that he won't be able to rent a garage for that amount let alone a 3 bedroom house I wonder what he's been smoking ! I ask him if he meant a grand a week but he's dead serious and I'm not going to waste one more minute with him so I ask Dick to look after him and put two dicks together.

I've missed a call from Rose in the meantime so I call her and ask her to come down tonight at 7pm - I go home and pick up the knickers from the bathroom floor, the shoes in the hallway so the house looks tidy and presentable.

Rose comes at 7pm on the dot. She's tall ,beautiful, platinum blonde, legs longer than the M25 and a huge pair of knockers. She's friendly and easy to talk to so by the end of the evening I have already given the room to her and she agrees to move in the following week-end. Rose moves in and the first few days are fine but on saturday morning she puts her clothes in the washing machine at 6am and I'm wondering if the hurricane Katrina is now reaching London too.

I decide to keep quiet and hope that when God gave good manners she was not the last in the queue. Two days later I have the confirmation that she was not in the queue at all. I go to bed and I can hear from my bedroom a steady humming sound from her room that I can't understand what it is but it is driving me nuts and I wonder if she is into yoga like me and it's her yoga humming meditation. It has been two weeks now and she seems to meditate more than the Dalai Lama and when I meet Bruno for coffee , I ask him if he knew that Rose was into yoga humming. He nods, drops the subject and we talk about things with Liz, my inexistent love life , work , parents and the usual stuff.

I go home and I see a vibrator charging in the kitchen next to my hand mixer and it doesn't take me too long to understand what the bloody humming was after all - I'm gonna tell Rose to make sure she is not using my hand mixer just in case she gets confused as I make my tiramisu' with it. I later find out that Rose is an pole dancer and that Bruno met her in a strip club . All makes sense when I find her using my drainpipe to practise her new dancing routine. I'm tempted to  tell her to move out but luckily  two weeks later , she gets a new "job" on the other side of London and tells me that commuting every day will be stressful so she has found a place close to her new work place. I'm so pleased and start the count down of the humming days.