Crappuccinos

I was the manager of an estate agency in West London once and I was in charge of a team of 3 people including Jennifer. Jennifer was my personal assistant,  She used to sit on my left and was in her late fifties.  She spent all day ordering stationery and sending faxes to herself . Despite her age, she looked stunning and she was very attentive about her weight so she lived on skinny muffins and light cappuccinos.The muffin was so "skinny" that you needed a microscope to see it and the cappuccino was light because the cup was empty and I always thought what an idiot to pay 3 quid to take an empty cup from the coffee shop to the office.

She blew our entire stationery budget on staples once and I wondered if the face lift she had a couple of months before was done in a proper surgery or she did staple all those packs of staples behind her ears. Her nostrils stretched so much that these were reaching her ears so when she forgot to wear her contact lenses, she often put her earrings on the wrong hole and they were hanging from her nose! I was pleased about the Botox treatment she had though, because when I told her that she didn't get a pay rise that year she didn't look disappointed.

To finish our team, there was Dick.  Well the name said it all, his parents as soon as they saw him couldn't think of anything better to describe him and Clint well he didn't really look like Clint Eastwood but I guess his parents called him Clint like the actor because he had one eye looking east and the other west and he was as sensitive as a piece of wood.

I had a meeting with Mr Patel one day, he had so many properties in London that he kept a spreadsheet on excel to keep track of the properties he had in his portfolio. He used to spit like a llama when he spoke. We met at the local indian restaurant down the road in Fulham as he was looking for some tenants for a flat he was refurbishing. Although I like spicy food , I cannot handle the indian cuisine very much but I wanted to make a good impression on him so I didn't tell the waiter to make my Aloo Gobi mild and after eating the first piece of cauliflower , it blew my knickers off so I was forced to wear a garlic nan as g-string on my way back to the agency. I was over the moon though, another good commission in my pocket ! I checked my make up in the mirror before getting back to the office and after 35 years I realised that I had freckles on my beautiful face, I checked again and I realised that these were the lentils that Mr Patel had been spitting onto my face while we were having lunch and he was lucky we had already left the restaurant because if I had a garlic nan or a roti in my hands,I would have suffocated him !